In my experience reading homeschooling/parenting blogs of the Christian and the avidly not Christian sort, there seems to be one point of disagreement when it comes to parenting: obedience.
Sure, when it comes down to it, I think all parents want their kids to do what they are told when it really matters, but decidedly non-religious parents tend to look at the Christian parenting goal of obedience as a bad thing.
First, to clear up some misconceptions that I have come across, this is my take on what I will call, for lack of a better phrase, Christian parenting. That is not to say it is definitively what one must do if they are to be called a Christian, but what is the typical advice given by Christian parenting experts.
Christian parenting, from what I have gleaned (and I am by no means an expert), is focused on three (cumulative) stages: obedience, responsibility, and gradual freedom. Here I am going to focus on obedience.
With our young children, first time obedience is often the focal point. We want to teach our children to obey the sound of our voice when we first speak, not after we have nagged repeatedly, or convinced them that we have a good reason for our command.
This is often misrepresented by secular parents (for lack, again, of a better phrase) as Christian parents teach their children to have unquestioning obedience to authority, at all times, with no thoughtful consideration given to what that authority figure is telling them to do.
This is not the case. As a child ages, we teach them to reason, we teach them to think for themselves, and we gradually give them freedom, while they are still under our roofs, so they do not fall on their faces when they get out into the real world. We are not raising our children to fail, but to succeed.
The obvious reason for a Christian parent to teach her child obedience is so that child learns that there are authorities above him that he must obey, namely, the Lord.
But this model can be just as useful to non-Christian parents, for their children will also encounter authority figures in their lifetime – teachers, the government, employers, to name a few. To function in society, one must learn to obey authority.
Think about the last time you had to tell your child to do something – repeatedly. Go on, think about it.
Now, fast-forward 20 years. How many employers do you think would appreciate having to tell your adult child to do something – repeatedly?
Parenting with an expectation of first-time obedience provides the groundwork for important self-discipline that one must have to be successful in life. As an adult, that child will be expected to follow orders given the first time they are given. We are helping our children by teaching them to obey.
There is another element to obedience. It is common in the secular parenting advice that I have read (in books, magazines, etc.), to promote the idea that a parent should allow the child to require an explanation before compliance with an order and that the parent should take the time to reason through it with the child. That has got to be the worst advice I have ever followed. (And, yes, when I was a young, non-Christian parent, I did follow that advice. My kids are still recovering from it.)
Don’t misunderstand me, I explain things to my children – after they have complied. They need to learn from my guidance in order to be able to apply it to other similar situations that will arise in their future.
Believe me, I have met children who are expected to obey with no explanation ever given, and they do not know how to apply their parents’ boundaries independently. That is a bad situation. It should be no one’s goal to raise children that cannot function but under their parents’ direction.
The problem I see with encouraging your child to always expect an explanation before compliance is that the child will not be able to discern when it is imperative to obey first and ask questions later. When those situations arise, it is usually an emergency or other situation where compliance is paramount. In such a scenario, there is often not the time to discuss the rationale behind your request, but if a child has been conditioned to require an explanation before compliance (and every time we give a child an explanation before they comply, we are conditioning him to expect an explanation as a prerequisite for compliance), there is little chance that the child will comply quickly without the need for a discussion.
Imagine a classroom where every child demands an explanation, and its following discussion, before doing what the teacher says.
Obedience is an essential skill to develop and, as parents, who know more about the world than our children, we will encounter times when our children must obey immediately, for safety or other reasons. Teaching our children how to reason, think for themselves, and respectfully question authority is also important when they are mature enough to apply it properly. In the meantime, we are not benefiting anyone by raising children who do not know how to do what they are told.
