One thing I am really tired of hearing is that choosing to stay at home is a luxury most women do not have.
Don’t get me wrong, if someone wants to work, or if a couple decides that maintaining a certain lifestyle – one that requires two incomes – is more important to them than having one parent stay at home, that is their prerogative. I am not about to get into a debate about which one is better. It’s not my job to decide that for everyone else.
I will put my foot down, though, when people insist on spreading the lie that only the well-to-do have the opportunity to stay at home. It’s just not true.
In my case, we are fortunate that my husband has been with the same company for over eight years, so now his income is slightly above the median income for our state (though it is below the median income for a household), but we are by no means well off. Then there’s the fact that he has maxed out the salary range for his position, but that’s another topic altogether.
Five years ago, when I pulled my kids out of daycare to stay at home with them, I remember one mother saying, “I wish I could afford to stay at home,” as she leaned on her brand new car.
Perhaps if she didn’t live in a $400,000 home, take yearly vacations (real vacations, not the kind we take when we go camp in a Vermont state park), and buy new cars, she could afford to stay at home.
I am not begrudging her the opportunity to have all those nice things – I would love to have some of those nice things – I just don’t like to listen to people imply that I am somehow lucky that I get to stay home, like I have some kind of special privilege or trust fund, or something.
Am I lucky that I get to drive a 15-year-old car that Bob’s mother gave me when she bought a new car? Actually, I am lucky that I got a free car that was well maintained.
Am I lucky when I get to eat pasta (sans meat) for the fourth day in a row because we had an unexpected expense come up? Okay, again, actually I am lucky because I get to eat it with homemade bread.
Okay, I have to stop here because I am very blessed to have what I do have and I am not going to get into complaining about what I don’t have.
My point is that most of the people who would say that I am lucky to be able to stay home, would not think I was so lucky if they had to give up the things that need to be given up in order to live on one modest income these days.
The reason this myth – that one must be financially well off to stay at home – irritates me so much is that it prevents women who want to stay at home from making that choice. If people believe that staying at home is reserved for the rich, most women will think it is our of their reach.
Ideally, if a couple feels like they would like to have one parent at home, when they have kids, it is important to plan for it. Don’t get caught in the two-income trap. Learn how to live on one income while you still have two and save the other one.
It isn’t necessary to start out that way, but I’m sure it makes it easier. Not that I know. We did it the hard way.
There are lots of resources out there on how to live on one income.
There are online resources, communities, blogs – like Life. On a Budget. (about a “homeschooling family that lives on less than $22K a year in an area that costs above 100% (116%) of the National CoL Index”) – and books, such as, Living Well on One Income: In a Two-Income World.
There is no reason for any family to think that they cannot afford to have one parent stay at home, if that is what they think would be the best thing for their family.
Don’t let anyone tell you different.
Right on! I am so sick of people assuming we have a lot of money because I can stay at home. I try to explain about clipping coupons, buying generic, never going out to dinner, a haircut once a year or twice instead of every six weeks, or buying new clothes.
My cousin is slowing burying her family in debt because she’s become a SAHM (even though she is only pregnant at this time) while maintaining the same spending habits. So stupid!
That’s another point I was going to get into, but I didn’t want the post to get too long. It is so important to not get into debt. That catches up with you eventually, then you have no choice to stay at home.
A FUCKING MEN.
you rock.
i have said these EXACT things so many times.
ive been too afraid to blog about it.
you rock on. YOU live the example my husband and I hope to lead for ourselves and our family.
it requires sacrafice to live off one income, and thats sacrafice most people aren’t willing to take.
but they’ll still complain about it.
you create your own world. you just have to make it happen.
LOVED THIS.
s
I think the problem is that as a whole people are waiting to get married so much later…that by the time they decide to start a family they have been living a CUSH double income life. They then expect to maintain that when baby comes along. which is impossible to do without having both parents working.
I think its not a matter of CAN’T ‘afford to stay home’ as it is a DONT WANT TO. going down to one income for a lot of couples is HUGE. it means living a completely different lifestyle then they have been so acustomed to.
my husband and I have such modest living expenses. people spend what they make. we figure if we can keep spending as though we only draw one income (despite how much we actually bring home), we can create more OPTIONS for our family by not entering into a financial commitment (IE: HOUSE/CAR) we can’t really afford.
you can’t have it both ways. something HAS to give.
I just think most people can’t conceive of their life without the luxaries they have afforded by making a career for themselves.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.
s
I disagree, and I do not are not seeing the whole picture. There are many, many Vermont families who are poor, not middle class like you, who absolutely cannot afford to have a parent stay at home with the kids. I don’t get the sense that you have any idea just how widespread poverty is in this state.
I work in rural Orange County as an advocate for the poor. The mothers I work with don’t internet access to blog about their motherhood experience. They often don’t have enough food or heat for their children.
That first sentence should have read: “I disagree, and I do not think you are seeing the whole picture.”
Well, we are not exactly considered middle class by any and all statistics I have ever looked at, but that is neither here, nor there.
It is you who are really not seeing the whole picture. You are thinking about a small percentage of our society that lives in extreme poverty, where this post was clearly about the general population of (two parent) families that choose material goods over having one parent at home.
It is really not necessary to be upper-middle class to stay at home. It is a choice available to the vast majority of our society, if people are willing to make sacrifices.
However, you are free to disagree.
Also, I was writing this to a national audience, not just Vermont. Most of my readership is out-of-state. Plus, I posted this on Skirt.
I don’t need to run down my personal income credentials to justify my case, but the fact that I have internet access doesn’t mean you know anything about what my life is like. I know people on welfare who have internet access, for crying out loud.
“There is no reason for any family to think that they cannot afford to have one parent stay at home, if that is what they think would be the best thing for their family.”
No reason? Any family? These are gross simplifications and simply not true.
I am clearly talking about two parent families. That said, I stand by what I said. Where there is a will, there is a way.
My husband had to take a second job for a while in order for me to stay home. Someone he worked with still works two jobs so his wife can stay home.
I have been in a very low income situation (not middle class, as I am now) and I know what it is like. I still stand by what I said.