I finally updated my March blog banner with an April/Easter one. I have been so bad about this blog. It’s not that I want to neglect it. It’s just that things have been hectic lately.
The end of winter is always a really tough time for the D. His emotional issues really act up and he can be kind of out of control. I need to be “on duty” all the time. I have had very little time for anything else.
The other day, someone referred to my political blog as a “weekly,” which was devastating because the little time I do have, I put into that and I still can’t seem to get it up to a daily status.
I also had to put my web store launch on hold. I don’t have enough products for a full launch yet. I still need to make the lip balm and more bath bombs, as well as some more soaps. A couple of the ones I made are not up to my standards for selling.
It has always been a struggle for me, since I started staying home with the kids, and even more so since I started homeschooling, that I do not have the time/ability to fulfill all of my ambitions. I never wanted kids or a family when I was growing up. I always wanted to be a single career woman. So, being a mom/homeschooler/housewife is a job I have to work at being happy about.
It’s not that I don’t love my kids. And I really hope that I don’t get anyone criticizing me for sharing this. It’s just that I’m not, by nature, a mom person. Some people were born for this role. I was not.
Add to that the fact that one of my kids is, in the words of one professional who has worked with us, “emotionally disturbed,” and, yes, I struggle with being happy.
I was a go-getter when I worked outside the home. I could be a great blogger, if I had the time. I could have a successful bath and body business, if I had the time. I could be something, someone, anything other than what I am, if I wasn’t what I am.
But, to paraphrase that famous sailor, I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.
And that’s okay. I mean, this is where I find myself, partly due to my own choices, partly because of where God led me. And I know that He has used these circumstances in my life to make me into the person I was created to be.
It has been painful. It has been mighty painful. And I have the World constantly pulling me astray, feeding my desire to be something more, with constant reminders that “just” being a mom is not enough.
Just. The other day, my husband called that a deadly word. The great minimizer. We use it to make things seem inadequate. It’s such a seemingly innocuous word, yet it has the power to rip your heart out.
No one wants to be “just” anything.
I have to constantly remind myself that I am not just anything. I am doing a job that I was called to do. I am making a huge difference in the lives of three very important people. And this is only a season in my life. I will have many years to do and be other things.
These moments of doubt and discontent are the lies of Satan, meant to keep me from enjoying life.
Things are actually beginning to turn around. The D is doing better. The nicer weather helps. I also got some great ideas from his therapist that have worked wonders.
Most importantly, I have been leaning on God – HARD – during this time. He is so amazing. The difference between trying to do this on my own and doing this while walking with the Lord is, to turn an over-used phrase, like night and day.
I was brought to my knees before I came running back, but it was such a good thing. I was in a period of being very lukewarm in my faith until my whole world came crashing down around me and I needed God to get me through it.
I am like that. You can’t gently nudge me. I need to be hit upside the head with a wrecking ball.
Unfortunately, the wrecking ball also took a toll on this blog.
The good news is, I want to make this a priority during my free time. This is so much more important to me than having a daily go-to political blog. This blog is about the stuff that makes life worthwhile. As the tag line says, cooking, crafting, faith, family…you know, the good stuff.
It is good stuff.
And I intend to focus on all of those things. The blog got kind of craft-heavy. Crafting is awesome, don’t get me wrong, but faith and family, and of course cooking, are good things, too. A gal’s gotta have balance!
Well, this turned into a long out-pouring of some pent up emotional things. It just kind of came out. Thanks for listening, er, I guess reading. And thanks for stopping by my blog. I appreciate that you do. And I look forward to bringing you more posts.
Nice blog and good luck with you store launch.
This seems to be therapeutic for you and possibly others experiencing like emotions.
I think one of the harder parts of being a mom is that there is really no way to appropriately satisfy that drive. There is no “ladder” to climb, no clearly defined goals, and no knowledge of when you are “there” at the “top.” You don’t really know until they’re grown up and gone whether you were “successful” but at the same time, there are some great kids that come out of bad situations and some not so great kids that come out of good homes.
I was having a conversation like this the other day. There are so many things I want to pursue, so many dreams, but I don’t know how to fit anything else in. Right now, at least. These children are growing. And even though the days can be so long, the years really do go by quickly.
You are often in my thoughts. I’m glad to hear that you are pressing in and finding peace.
P.S. I think daily blogs are overrated.
(Of course, that could be because I’ve never even tried to have one.)
Lately I’m experiencing way to much mommy job security.
AT times we need time just for ourselves. Not to be selfish but you need something else than define you as someone’s mom or wife.